We will not walk in fear..

(Source: itsanthonymuthafucknmarchia)

I’ve been signed off work for two weeks, and in that two weeks I’m waiting for a referral to a Psychiatrist.

No one wants to be told that they’re mad, and no one wants to admit to themselves that they can’t cope. For a long time It wasn’t even a question of coping, because on some level you have to realise that things aren’t right first. 

I have always been prone to huge changes to my mood, and was always at the mercy of them. Several times a day, for hours, days, weeks or months I felt super human only then to be subjected to my own worst kind of despairing self hatred. Then for days, weeks, or months I’d be well, hoping that the loathing I had felt towards myself would be the last, only for it to reappear when I most especially needed to be strong.

I had developed mechanisms to put these moods off, going to the gym, making lists of things, and of course, sleeping. More often than not they worked and I could carry on, until about two months ago, when all the mechanisms stopped working.

I’ve been to the doctor, but more importantly I finally told people how unhappy I find myself at times. I realise that this sort of thing is knowing your boundaries and whilst It’s good to know that there are people that I can go to (i.e. Pen), It’s just as important to realise that essentially I am my biggest problem as well as my solution. I have to admit when I can’t cope, I have to keep trying when it’s shit and always be careful that I can tell the difference. 

In the meantime, I’ve started a new painting. I love Van Gogh, so I haz tried to do a painten of hiz work, dat Starry Night or sum fin. It iz hard, believe. Plz don’t judge too harshly, I ain’t good or nufin.

I’d quite like a Cupcake, where’s Ella when you need her?

(Source: whereisthecoool)

GERMINAL - Emile Zola (Not a type of cheese)

It’s all about potatoes, tits, and coffee.

Oh, and about the short life of an 18th Century Miner. Riddled as much with depressive imagery as it is about adolescents sexing each other on shed roofs, it’s a really good book. I’ve ignored the concept that an adult bloke wants to sleep with a 15 year old, and gets the ump and starts a revolution because he can’t get his end away. 

I recommend OUI?

0435 hours update.

1. I miss Whitby, especially in the middle of winter.

2. I need to go out with the camera more.

3. I’m out of teabags.

4. Whenever I try to draw a face lately, it always comes out strangely androgynus, lovely hair, manly chin. 

5. Big Tasties from MacDonalds should be renamed to ‘Weird Tasties’